Life Without Aids.

I don't usually think of myself as handicapped, or disabled. Yet the severity of my hearing deficit is evident in almost everything I do. When ever I try to hold a conversation, or watch t.v.  when ever a bus driver makes an announcement, etc. I realize. I have no idea what is going on. I fill in the gaps when I can, often with very imaginative scenarios. (Why is everyone always talking about vibrators?) Which often leads to embarrassing situations. (Umm, we were talking about my grandmothers skin graft surgery, not vibrators...) Or sometimes I will fall back on the old "smile and nod" where I deftly fool my companions into thinking I have a clue.  For about 27 years I pulled off that charade. Not that anyone was fooled, but I didn't really have any options. I was too vain for hearing aids and they were just too darn expensive anyhow. Then one day it hit me how much I was really missing out. I realized what a jack-ass I was being. Here I was, scared of talking to people for fear of saying something stupid. I broke out in a sweat at the mention of group discussion and I felt completely isolated anytime conversation turned to a whisper. On top of that it was affecting my work and my grades. Even though I sat front row center, the moment I looked away from the teacher to write notes, I wouldn't be able to understand what was being said. All this I shrugged off as a part of life because I was too proud to admit I needed hearing aids! So I finally set up an appointment with an Audiologist and got my hearing tested. While most hearing frequencies are like a straight line, mine is like a bowl. So I can pretty much hear very high and very low frequencies, but everything in the middle gets lost. We talked about my needs and my vanity concerns and found that I could get a set of relatively small hearing aids for about $3000 total. Since this isn't considered a necessary medical expense, my insurance would not contribute. However, my mom agreed to split the cost with me. A few weeks later, my whole life changed. 
I remember when I first put them in. The whole world was ROARING at me! Every truck that drove by sounded like a plane landing. I walked home shifty and wide-eyed like a paranoid schizophrenic.
When I got home I starting washing some dishes. I remember I could hear the sound of the water cascading from one dish on to the next. Such a simple little detail that I never would had heard before, and it was beautiful. Then I noticed the sound of children laughing. I looked outside and I realized they were no where around, that they must be in a neighbors yard or somewhere far away. I was in awe.
When my husband came home, I was telling him how excited I was and how amazing it was that people can actually hear all this stuff. He let me know how happy he was for me and that is when it hit me. Not only was I in the kitchen, with my back turned, but he was in a completely different part of the house. And I could hear him. Suddenly my heart began to well, my breath grew heavy and I started to cry.  It was like a dream come true. After a lifetime of black-and-white I was seeing in color for the first time.
Over the next few weeks everything changed. I could have a conversation without feeling scared or embarrassed. I could hear my teachers and could contribute in group conversations. I could even make out some whispers. I suddenly gained a confidence that I never had. I was learning that I was actually a strong and capable man for the first time in my life. I wasn't even embarrassed about my hearing aids. Instead I was proud of them, for giving me such a great gift. Also I was proud of myself for having the strength to get over my insecurities and wear them. 
The confidence and new understanding of myself continued to grow. I have been able to challenge myself with new situations in new environments. I no longer shrug off my dreams.
   Unfortunately after a good 7 year run I have found myself without hearing aids again. I actually lost one a couple of years back and the second one just went kaputz. It is funny being hard of hearing again. I'm not experiencing the same fear and low self esteem that used to plague me, however I have fallen back into the smile and nod and I get lost in conversations. The whole experience has definitely made me reflect on what a profound change hearing aids have made on my life. Hence this blog you are reading right now.
Does this mean we will be having more inappropriate conversations about vibrators? Yes, most likely. But worry-not tater-tot, I am looking into getting new hearing aids as soon as possible. It seems that I have some money set aside through my job that will actually help me cover about half the cost of new aids! The really fun part is that some of the newer models even feature Bluetooth capabilities, meaning I can have audio devices such as t.v. and music transmitted right into my brain! O.K. not exactly, but pretty close and very cool. So keep your eyes and ears open for the new, improved bionic Boo, coming to a conversation near you!
 

**update 3/7/2013. I got my hearing aids last week! Unfortunately one is on its way back to be repaired because the fit is off but even with just the one in, I am so thrilled! The birds are chirping, people are talking, and I'm taking it all in.  I can actually hear in my classes and I don't have to have the TV turned up all the way! It's a new day and I feel like singing. The only downside is that I can now hear my singing voice, and it ain't pretty!