Adventures in Caregiving.

When I grow up, I'm going to get married and raise a family...

It seems like the obvious thing to do. Everyone else is doing it.  I never suspected that I would find myself married to one man, preparing to marry another and raising a 74 year old.  Life offers many suprises I didn't see when I was in grade school.
With my older sister already moved out of the house by the time I was born I was basically an only child. Since my father passed away around the same time, my mom was an only parent as well.
My mother has always been an unconventional woman and parent. Rules and discipline were nearly non-existent, however love was abundant. She always encouraged me to grow and do my best. She supported me unconditionally.
My mother also taught a lot through example. She was a hard worker. She went back to school and started training as a Psychiatric Technician at a state hospital for the criminally insane. She worked there for almost 30 years. She became known for using humor to solve conflict with the patients and for spending countless hours decorating the patient day ward for the holidays. I have always admired her for her sensitivity as well as her strength and independence. She has overcome so much adversity and still was able to provide us both with a good life. 
Some of my favorite memories of my childhood are "running away from home" with mom. When life got too stressful we would pick a get-a-away spot, call in sick to work/school and take off, usually without telling anyone where we were so we couldn't be bothered. Sure she wasn't the most responsible parent, but she was a lot of fun.
  Eventually I grew up, moved out of moms house and moved to San Francisco. About 3 years ago I decided to make a suprise visit home to see my mom. When I got there I could tell she wasn't feeling well and took her to the E.R. She ended up staying in the hospital for two weeks because of a gall stone attack. In that time I realized that things were even more serious than that. Her health was failing. I found out she had been diagnosed with Emphysema as well as an irregular heartbeat. On top of that I noticed that her memory was slipping. In addition to her health problems, her finances were in a terrible state and her home was being foreclosed on. 
The next five months that followed were some of the most challenging of my life. I quit my job and moved back down to care for my mom while she recovered. In that time I found out that my sister had been stealing from our mother and I had to file a police report against her. The bank refused to negotiate the mortgage and we were forced to do a quick sale before the bank foreclosed.
It was a turning point in both of our lives. The woman who had supported me through my whole life now needed my support and I lived 4 hours away. Since she lost the home and was essentially homeless we agreed that she should find a place near by me so that I could keep and eye on her while still allowing us both our independence.
The place we found was charming and reminiscent of her last home. I would commute to her house and help her with her basic needs like shopping, cleaning, laundry, yard work, paying bills and so on.  I found a senior center that was very helpful and informative. Eventually I got my mom set up with daily van pick up to and from the center for lunch. It was far from the usual wine and appetizers she was accustomed to but my mother made the most of it and looked forward to her lunches. This plan worked out fairly well for about a year. Until I got a phone call from my mothers neighbor letting me know that my mother was at the E.R.  She explained that she heard my mother yelling out and crying in pain the day before, yet when she came by, my mother told her she was fine. After another day of moaning and yelling, she wasn't gonna take no for an answer.  She had found my mother in the kitchen, slumped over in a chair unable to talk.  Her first reaction was that my mom had a stroke, so she called an ambulance.
When I got to the hospital I found out that my mom had fractured her ankle the day before. Assuming she had just twisted it my mom had decided to do nothing. Instead she polished off a bottle of vodka and hobbled around on her fractured ankle for two days. Hence the moans and cries of pain the neighbor was hearing. At the hospital she was cursing and demanding painkillers which the nurses refused due to her being so intoxicated. When she was released I was left with no choice but to quit my job once again to take care of her since she was unable to walk for 4 weeks.
This was yet another eye opener for my partners and I. It was obvious that my mom needed a closer eye being kept on her and that her ability to reason and make good decisions for herself were compromised. There was much talk and debate about what to do. Independent living communities were unfortunately just not an option. Assisted living is slightly out of our budget. The best option was to have my mom move in to our apartment in San Francisco. The boys and I talked about the logistics and the reality of what we were getting ourselves in to. Having a roommate is stressful. Living with a parent is stressful. Living with someone who suffers from memory loss is stressful. On top of all that my mother is no ones charity case. She has been accustomed to taking care of herself and making her own rules. The problem is, she wasn't doing such a good job any more. We knew the adjustment would be hard on us all, but we knew it was the best option for my mothers well being. So, in October of 2011, we adopted a 72 year old named Mom. Merging two homes and four different personalities together under one roof, is never easy. I can't express the amount of soul-searching, role-adjustments, relationship adjustments, compromises and sacrifices we have all had to make. There is no denying that this past year has been challenging. Yet there have been a lot of fun moments as well and good lessons learned. The boys and I are all learning how to be caregivers and my mom is learning how to let other people take care of her. We will share a laugh when my mom realizes she just asked me the same question for the 4th time in 10 minutes. We sometimes go for "thrill rides" or we'll just "walk and roll" with my mom in her wheelchair. Mom still loves wineing and dining. We go out and make jokes and laugh. She is a real charmer and is always meeting people and getting passing strangers to smile at her. She loves to wave at buses and cracks up whenever people wave back. She still kicks my butt in a game of pinball and I still kick her butt in a game of dominoes. The boys are both wonderful help with her everyday and our friends and family provide us all with boundless love and support. Each day is a new adventure and we all do our best.  Sometimes we lose our patience and sometimes we lose our tempers. We are always learning and it just gets easier. When its really difficult, I try to remember that her illnesses still give her some independence and the ability to do most things for herself and I enjoy the fun that we do still have and the chance to get to know each other in a new way.
So no, this definitely is not the family I was expecting to have when I grew up. This family is something so much more. I will never know what challenges and adventures lay ahead, but I know I am blessed to have such a wonderful family to share them with.