Love Letters From the Streets

I walk a lot. It's great exercise, it gets me from point A to point B and I get to see things other people may not see. This blog is a collection of messages  I have found on my adventures around town. I hope to keep it updated as I find more little treasures. 

I...

What kind of pants do Vandersloots wear?

Someone wrote the words "Sew" in the cement right out my front door.

Anti-Hoarding campaign slogan.

Unrequited love.

And America, don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.

House Stark!

Nicki Minaj?!

Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya.

Braggart.

This one goes out to Auntie Glo.

It's good to be loved.

It's good to be loved.

It's a thing.

Braggart.

Our jobs are hard,

Don't worry, we're the good gays

 yeah, you.

Life Without Aids.

I don't usually think of myself as handicapped, or disabled. Yet the severity of my hearing deficit is evident in almost everything I do. When ever I try to hold a conversation, or watch t.v.  when ever a bus driver makes an announcement, etc. I realize. I have no idea what is going on. I fill in the gaps when I can, often with very imaginative scenarios. (Why is everyone always talking about vibrators?) Which often leads to embarrassing situations. (Umm, we were talking about my grandmothers skin graft surgery, not vibrators...) Or sometimes I will fall back on the old "smile and nod" where I deftly fool my companions into thinking I have a clue.  For about 27 years I pulled off that charade. Not that anyone was fooled, but I didn't really have any options. I was too vain for hearing aids and they were just too darn expensive anyhow. Then one day it hit me how much I was really missing out. I realized what a jack-ass I was being. Here I was, scared of talking to people for fear of saying something stupid. I broke out in a sweat at the mention of group discussion and I felt completely isolated anytime conversation turned to a whisper. On top of that it was affecting my work and my grades. Even though I sat front row center, the moment I looked away from the teacher to write notes, I wouldn't be able to understand what was being said. All this I shrugged off as a part of life because I was too proud to admit I needed hearing aids! So I finally set up an appointment with an Audiologist and got my hearing tested. While most hearing frequencies are like a straight line, mine is like a bowl. So I can pretty much hear very high and very low frequencies, but everything in the middle gets lost. We talked about my needs and my vanity concerns and found that I could get a set of relatively small hearing aids for about $3000 total. Since this isn't considered a necessary medical expense, my insurance would not contribute. However, my mom agreed to split the cost with me. A few weeks later, my whole life changed. 
I remember when I first put them in. The whole world was ROARING at me! Every truck that drove by sounded like a plane landing. I walked home shifty and wide-eyed like a paranoid schizophrenic.
When I got home I starting washing some dishes. I remember I could hear the sound of the water cascading from one dish on to the next. Such a simple little detail that I never would had heard before, and it was beautiful. Then I noticed the sound of children laughing. I looked outside and I realized they were no where around, that they must be in a neighbors yard or somewhere far away. I was in awe.
When my husband came home, I was telling him how excited I was and how amazing it was that people can actually hear all this stuff. He let me know how happy he was for me and that is when it hit me. Not only was I in the kitchen, with my back turned, but he was in a completely different part of the house. And I could hear him. Suddenly my heart began to well, my breath grew heavy and I started to cry.  It was like a dream come true. After a lifetime of black-and-white I was seeing in color for the first time.
Over the next few weeks everything changed. I could have a conversation without feeling scared or embarrassed. I could hear my teachers and could contribute in group conversations. I could even make out some whispers. I suddenly gained a confidence that I never had. I was learning that I was actually a strong and capable man for the first time in my life. I wasn't even embarrassed about my hearing aids. Instead I was proud of them, for giving me such a great gift. Also I was proud of myself for having the strength to get over my insecurities and wear them. 
The confidence and new understanding of myself continued to grow. I have been able to challenge myself with new situations in new environments. I no longer shrug off my dreams.
   Unfortunately after a good 7 year run I have found myself without hearing aids again. I actually lost one a couple of years back and the second one just went kaputz. It is funny being hard of hearing again. I'm not experiencing the same fear and low self esteem that used to plague me, however I have fallen back into the smile and nod and I get lost in conversations. The whole experience has definitely made me reflect on what a profound change hearing aids have made on my life. Hence this blog you are reading right now.
Does this mean we will be having more inappropriate conversations about vibrators? Yes, most likely. But worry-not tater-tot, I am looking into getting new hearing aids as soon as possible. It seems that I have some money set aside through my job that will actually help me cover about half the cost of new aids! The really fun part is that some of the newer models even feature Bluetooth capabilities, meaning I can have audio devices such as t.v. and music transmitted right into my brain! O.K. not exactly, but pretty close and very cool. So keep your eyes and ears open for the new, improved bionic Boo, coming to a conversation near you!
 

**update 3/7/2013. I got my hearing aids last week! Unfortunately one is on its way back to be repaired because the fit is off but even with just the one in, I am so thrilled! The birds are chirping, people are talking, and I'm taking it all in.  I can actually hear in my classes and I don't have to have the TV turned up all the way! It's a new day and I feel like singing. The only downside is that I can now hear my singing voice, and it ain't pretty!

Adventures in Caregiving.

When I grow up, I'm going to get married and raise a family...

It seems like the obvious thing to do. Everyone else is doing it.  I never suspected that I would find myself married to one man, preparing to marry another and raising a 74 year old.  Life offers many suprises I didn't see when I was in grade school.
With my older sister already moved out of the house by the time I was born I was basically an only child. Since my father passed away around the same time, my mom was an only parent as well.
My mother has always been an unconventional woman and parent. Rules and discipline were nearly non-existent, however love was abundant. She always encouraged me to grow and do my best. She supported me unconditionally.
My mother also taught a lot through example. She was a hard worker. She went back to school and started training as a Psychiatric Technician at a state hospital for the criminally insane. She worked there for almost 30 years. She became known for using humor to solve conflict with the patients and for spending countless hours decorating the patient day ward for the holidays. I have always admired her for her sensitivity as well as her strength and independence. She has overcome so much adversity and still was able to provide us both with a good life. 
Some of my favorite memories of my childhood are "running away from home" with mom. When life got too stressful we would pick a get-a-away spot, call in sick to work/school and take off, usually without telling anyone where we were so we couldn't be bothered. Sure she wasn't the most responsible parent, but she was a lot of fun.
  Eventually I grew up, moved out of moms house and moved to San Francisco. About 3 years ago I decided to make a suprise visit home to see my mom. When I got there I could tell she wasn't feeling well and took her to the E.R. She ended up staying in the hospital for two weeks because of a gall stone attack. In that time I realized that things were even more serious than that. Her health was failing. I found out she had been diagnosed with Emphysema as well as an irregular heartbeat. On top of that I noticed that her memory was slipping. In addition to her health problems, her finances were in a terrible state and her home was being foreclosed on. 
The next five months that followed were some of the most challenging of my life. I quit my job and moved back down to care for my mom while she recovered. In that time I found out that my sister had been stealing from our mother and I had to file a police report against her. The bank refused to negotiate the mortgage and we were forced to do a quick sale before the bank foreclosed.
It was a turning point in both of our lives. The woman who had supported me through my whole life now needed my support and I lived 4 hours away. Since she lost the home and was essentially homeless we agreed that she should find a place near by me so that I could keep and eye on her while still allowing us both our independence.
The place we found was charming and reminiscent of her last home. I would commute to her house and help her with her basic needs like shopping, cleaning, laundry, yard work, paying bills and so on.  I found a senior center that was very helpful and informative. Eventually I got my mom set up with daily van pick up to and from the center for lunch. It was far from the usual wine and appetizers she was accustomed to but my mother made the most of it and looked forward to her lunches. This plan worked out fairly well for about a year. Until I got a phone call from my mothers neighbor letting me know that my mother was at the E.R.  She explained that she heard my mother yelling out and crying in pain the day before, yet when she came by, my mother told her she was fine. After another day of moaning and yelling, she wasn't gonna take no for an answer.  She had found my mother in the kitchen, slumped over in a chair unable to talk.  Her first reaction was that my mom had a stroke, so she called an ambulance.
When I got to the hospital I found out that my mom had fractured her ankle the day before. Assuming she had just twisted it my mom had decided to do nothing. Instead she polished off a bottle of vodka and hobbled around on her fractured ankle for two days. Hence the moans and cries of pain the neighbor was hearing. At the hospital she was cursing and demanding painkillers which the nurses refused due to her being so intoxicated. When she was released I was left with no choice but to quit my job once again to take care of her since she was unable to walk for 4 weeks.
This was yet another eye opener for my partners and I. It was obvious that my mom needed a closer eye being kept on her and that her ability to reason and make good decisions for herself were compromised. There was much talk and debate about what to do. Independent living communities were unfortunately just not an option. Assisted living is slightly out of our budget. The best option was to have my mom move in to our apartment in San Francisco. The boys and I talked about the logistics and the reality of what we were getting ourselves in to. Having a roommate is stressful. Living with a parent is stressful. Living with someone who suffers from memory loss is stressful. On top of all that my mother is no ones charity case. She has been accustomed to taking care of herself and making her own rules. The problem is, she wasn't doing such a good job any more. We knew the adjustment would be hard on us all, but we knew it was the best option for my mothers well being. So, in October of 2011, we adopted a 72 year old named Mom. Merging two homes and four different personalities together under one roof, is never easy. I can't express the amount of soul-searching, role-adjustments, relationship adjustments, compromises and sacrifices we have all had to make. There is no denying that this past year has been challenging. Yet there have been a lot of fun moments as well and good lessons learned. The boys and I are all learning how to be caregivers and my mom is learning how to let other people take care of her. We will share a laugh when my mom realizes she just asked me the same question for the 4th time in 10 minutes. We sometimes go for "thrill rides" or we'll just "walk and roll" with my mom in her wheelchair. Mom still loves wineing and dining. We go out and make jokes and laugh. She is a real charmer and is always meeting people and getting passing strangers to smile at her. She loves to wave at buses and cracks up whenever people wave back. She still kicks my butt in a game of pinball and I still kick her butt in a game of dominoes. The boys are both wonderful help with her everyday and our friends and family provide us all with boundless love and support. Each day is a new adventure and we all do our best.  Sometimes we lose our patience and sometimes we lose our tempers. We are always learning and it just gets easier. When its really difficult, I try to remember that her illnesses still give her some independence and the ability to do most things for herself and I enjoy the fun that we do still have and the chance to get to know each other in a new way.
So no, this definitely is not the family I was expecting to have when I grew up. This family is something so much more. I will never know what challenges and adventures lay ahead, but I know I am blessed to have such a wonderful family to share them with.

I've Got Something to Say!

Everyone has their own story. Each life offers unique experiences and perspectives. I created this blog to share my story and hopefully for you to share some of yours as well.
I am not a guru. I don't have all the answers and I promise no salvation. What I can offer is a story of a life filled with love, humor and curiosity.
For folks who don't know me, allow me to give you a brief idea of who I am. I was raised by my single mother in a small California beach town. The friends I made through my childhood are still my friends to this day, along with all the new loved ones I've picked up along the way. I currently live in San Francisco with my two husbands and my 74 year old mother whom we care for. Thus I am queer, poly and also a caregiver. I'm also a social scientist, a costume designer, a vegetarian, an environmentalist, a cyclist,  a waiter, a (hula) hooper, a burner, a lover and a fighter. I believe in the goodness cof human kind. I believe that honestly is essential however you must remember your manners. I believe that life is a gift and I'm here to enjoy every moment!

So, welcome to my blog and remember: Hang on to Your Ass (You Can Always Buy a New Hat)!